We’re minutes away from tonight’s Planning Commission (view the trailer). Linden Hills is on the agenda. It’s Nick Magrino’s first meeting as a commissioner. There’s probably at least one Sabri on the agenda. Let’s go to our panel!
John: let’s start with Whittier. gentrification is in the news today. anyone have some quick takes?
[Shouted from the studio audience]: do these people not realize Whittier is getting fancy restaurants and hipster/gentrified bars, etc **without** the Uptown-esque 5 story developments?
J: I thought the line against this building was “too affordable”?
Senior Producer: From the strib, “As increasingly upscale businesses have bloomed near it — just up the street is a yoga studio and a bar that specializes in fermented products ranging from local kombucha tea to artisan cheeses.”
[Surly audience member]: It’s as if chains and bros will literally move into old, crummy buildings without new construction to satisfy their $2k/month budget!
J: Fancy people only ruin things when they live in apartments. As soon as a fancy person goes above about three stories, the neighborhood starts to undergo what I like to call “ghettoized gentrification.”
I’ve never been excited for anything as much as the @WedgeLIVE reporting team is for this zoning & planning meeting https://t.co/cYOI6rbtXG
— Kristina (@gelicia) September 8, 2015
Anton: wait, I thought it was the planning commission
Kristina: I’m sorry I maybe messed up the terminology. BUT no one who follows me will care who isnt one of you weirdos.
A: what a total n00b! Doesn’t know the difference between Zoning & Planning and the Planning Commission!!! LOLOL
J: familiarize yourself with the 87 layers of development bureaucracy or GTFO.
let’s get back to the issue. like, was commissioner nick magrino properly vetted?
A: did they hold confirmation hearings? was there a litmus test? there needs to be a quiz.
J: “which of these words has not been used to describe linden hills? a) quaint, b) small town, c) village, d) gargantuan”
A: how many of the founding fathers’ signatures are on the Linden Hills Small Area Plan?
J: i can’t be the only one who’s exhausted by discussion of the LHSAP. it needs to go away.
A: but it represents everyone in Linden Hills
J: depends if you’re talking about the actual LHSAP or the one the founders intended.
it’s a sunni shiite thing.
A: Yes, are you an originalist when it comes to the LHSAP, or do you feel that it is a “living document”?
that needs to be the litmus test
J: that’s my point. nick magrino was never forced to answer that question.
Senior Producer: all I know about the LHSAP is they spent $60,000 on it
J: ha ha. like any amount of money can buy off the multinational corporations.
A: Do you, Nick Magrino, consider yourself more of a Antonin Scalia or Stephen Breyer?
J: he’s more of a ruth bader magrinsburg.
A: Thurgood Magrino
J: i might have to edit this into a roundtable. who’s willing to be quoted?
A: um, what of mine will be quoted again?
YES I CONSENT
J: i’ll edit you to make you look smart and handsome.
A: that doesn’t fit with my personal brand, but that’s okay. please make a clever Robert Bork joke on my behalf.
Update: Watch the three minute recap of The Planning Commission, or the full 12-minute director’s cut.